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A tall girl’s rant

You're seen as more threatening

If a 5'3 girl makes a raunchy joke or teases a guy, she is seen as adorable. Like, it's endearing that she's so feisty and cheeky even though she's not even that funny and is kiiiiiind of a huge bitch. This is because she's non-threatening. I'm confident that boys don't laugh at my jokes not because it's unseemly to verbally incinerate people, but because they're threatened that I'm taller than them. My high school superlative was "Most Unaware Offensiveness." I've never noticed that I'm offensive, but because I'm tall, people automatically assume I'm callous and crude when really I'm just tall and too hilarious. I'm not even allowed to make jokes about short girls' heights because they see it as bullying since I'm a foot taller than them. But then it's fair game to tease me for being a giant. I can take a joke and I'm totally fine with it. You okay, fine, "little people" need to learn to take a joke too, ya know?

It's difficult to find clothes I have extremely long legs, curves, and an ass of near Kardashian proportions. It's impossible to find pants that go over my butt, shorts that manage to cover my butt, or a dress that I can bend over in without mooning everyone. Like yeah, I know that not showing my perfect ass is a disservice to society, but still, I'm very modest and conservative.

Everyone always assumes you're a model or athlete

People confusing me for a model or assuming I'm extremely athletic pisses me and my tall friends off so much! Well, some of my friends ARE models, did I not mention that before? But please stop referring to me as a model because my illustrious career offending people and making articles all about myself is far more rewarding than being an anthropomorphic clothes hanger. And don't even get me started on people assuming that I'm a world class athlete. I'm sure it's because I have a toned bod and an ass that refuses to quit. But this could not be further from the truth. I won the sportsmanship award for varsity field hockey and won "Underachiever of the Year" at a (tailgate for a) Yankees game (because I promised that I would rent a moonbounce for the occasion and the cops ended up shutting the whole thing down). Anyway, I may look like an Olympic gold medallist but I really only go to trendy workout classes to socialize.

You're way too conspicuous

Tall girls stick out like a sore thumb wherever they go. It sucks to even wear heels because people notice that you have long Amazon legs and you're towering over them. Guys feel emasculated just standing next to you because you could drop them like a bag of dirt. Even when you hug someone, it's awkward because you're getting borderline motorboated. 

It's harder to find a boyfriend

This. Is. The. Worst. Like I said before, if you're tall, you're extremely intimidating. I'm also intelligent and witty, so that compounded with my height and good looks makes me a total threat to men. It's pretty awkward when height comes up on dating apps because guys who are 5'8 will claim they're 5'10 and guys who are 5'10 will claim they're 6'0. So because I'm 5'10, it's pretty easy to call them out. Finding a guy who's actually taller than you is difficult, especially if you want to wear heels! A while back, I was at a gala wearing five inch Stuart Weitzman booties and the only guy there who was taller than me was - get this- a 16-year-old boy. Also, this is just a suggestion, but it should be illegal for girls under 5'8 to date guys over 6'0. Yeah, I know this is technically "eugenics," but it is beyond aggravating to see a short girl dating a really tall guy. They should be reserved